It is 9:30pm and raining...again. It seems to rain every Memorial Day weekend out here but its okay. I've sent out a group text to make sure my family and friends are okay. Fortunately for my people back in Beaumont, no rain for them yet.
Today has been a productive day. I woke up early and nervous about a very important meeting but feeling confident that it would work in my favor. I don't have a for sure answer yet but my gut tells me it'll work out for me. Once again, I'm trusting that feeling. I should call this the year of Trusting Your Gut! Ha! That's funny!
On another note, while I went to this meeting, Caleb got a chance to hang with Aunt Sammy. I was also nervous about this. Not because Aunt Sammy is a bad aunty because she's not. But I never know how Caleb will behave with other people especially considering 2 of his favorite cousins (all of his cousins are his favorites) were at school and that left him there with Aunt Sammy alone. I just never know how he's going to behave with other people. As with most things, it worked out just fine, better than fine. He enjoyed her company and of course the love was reciprocated.
Once my meeting was over I headed back to pick up my crumb snatcher and decided to sit and talk to Aunt Sammy. Okay she's not my Aunt, she's my sister in law (married to one of Cedrick's brothers). It was nice to just kick it with her. 6 years into my marriage and I'm still trying to find my place among Cedrick's family. It can be tricky bringing 2 families together and sometimes complicated but we make it work. Sammy is sort of like me in many ways yet we're as different as night and day. Today she asked me "Do you feel free now that your grandmother has died?" (I'm paraphrasing here) I knew what she meant but she further explained her question. "Now that both your grandmother and mother are gone, do you feel the freedom to just live your life?" (once again I'm paraphrasing) I instantly answered YES! I do! Not freedom as in she held me captive but freedom from that fear of losing her. I feel free from the worry of losing her. Free from waiting on THAT phone call. I'm living through it right now and surviving! Lets not get it twisted though, I miss my mother and grandmother everyday. There will always be a hole in my life without them. But in that moment of answering Sammy's question, I had an "aha!" moment. Its what happens during your thought process right when something clicks, starts to make sense, clarity, all of that.
I am grieving but I am free.